If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
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God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails