For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.