I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
10 people in 1 suffer from multiple personality disorder.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
N: SeNd NeWDs
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.