I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
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Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Breaking news:
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”