Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.