Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
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You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March