Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”