What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
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*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Seek kebab; not attention
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.