When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario