Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
got so much cardio in today
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Bartenders are just boneless bars
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*