My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
To my future kids: I apologize for the lack of college funds…
Blame mom, she INSISTED on organic produce from Whole Foods.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.