My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
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I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
it must be school picture day
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Print is alive and well!!!
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.