you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
You Might Also Like
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
As the Lord intended
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.