[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
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A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: