God has abandoned us.
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When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty