*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
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Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
But wait…
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I’m putting together a team
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.