Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
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Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona