It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
You Might Also Like
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Worst bar ever.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING