Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
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[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Never forget.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?