*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
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*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!