No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
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Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Don’t forget to tip your server
My current situation
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.