An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
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“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.