@3sunzzz

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

@3sunzzz

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

@3sunzzz

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

@3sunzzz

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

@3sunzzz

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

@3sunzzz

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

@3sunzzz

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

@3sunzzz

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

@3sunzzz

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

@3sunzzz

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.