Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of 3sunzzz's best tweets

@3sunzzz : M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

@3sunzzz: M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that's a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

@3sunzzz: [Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

@3sunzzz: If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

@3sunzzz: Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

@3sunzzz: It's 5pm and I'm pretty sure my husband's trying to get me drunk. Joke's on him, I've been drunk since noon.

@3sunzzz: Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

@3sunzzz: *hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

@3sunzzz: My husband pissed me off so when he wasn't looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He's been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

@3sunzzz: My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn't involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I'm gonna be pissed.