@3sunzzz

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

@3sunzzz

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

@3sunzzz

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

@3sunzzz

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

@3sunzzz

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

@3sunzzz

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

@3sunzzz

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

@3sunzzz

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

@3sunzzz

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou