Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.