A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
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I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*