I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
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How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?