If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.