@3sunzzz

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

@3sunzzz

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

@3sunzzz

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

@3sunzzz

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

@3sunzzz

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

@3sunzzz

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

@3sunzzz

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

@3sunzzz

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

@3sunzzz

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

@3sunzzz

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.