Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of 3sunzzz's best tweets

@3sunzzz : My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we've actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

@3sunzzz: A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

@3sunzzz: I just checked Amazon again and they still don't sell fire-breathing dragons. I'm a Prime member, this is bullshit.

@3sunzzz: As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I'm talking to myself.

@3sunzzz: "I think this ice cream is spoiled."
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

@3sunzzz: My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I'm not religious but I'm pretty sure Easter is all day.

@3sunzzz: Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

@3sunzzz: Whenever I type 'drink', autocorrect changes it to 'drunk'. It's like it can predict my future.

@3sunzzz: H: What's for breakfast?

M: I'm having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They're in my orange juice.

@3sunzzz: My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can't believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It's like he has no idea how selfish I am.