Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
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Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?