I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
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My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.