I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
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I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.