I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
what it’s like dating me:
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
<—- homeless romantic
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…