@4SLars

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

@4SLars

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

@4SLars

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

@4SLars

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

@4SLars

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

@4SLars

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

@4SLars

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

@4SLars

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

@4SLars

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

@4SLars

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!