I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.