All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I’m dying louder than usual today.