@4SLars

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

@4SLars

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

@4SLars

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

@4SLars

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

@4SLars

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

@4SLars

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

@4SLars

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

@4SLars

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

@4SLars

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.