My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
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I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
had to share :’)
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…