I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
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Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?