[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
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I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
happy valentine’s day to me
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
True
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
an airline just for babies.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.