2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
You Might Also Like
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE