this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
me: [873 years old] motherfu
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
thank u scooby doo. u taught me that monsters aren’t real and that the thing hiding in my closet is actually an unhinged museum curator draped in a white bedsheet