@50FirstTates

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

@50FirstTates

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

@50FirstTates

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

@50FirstTates

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

@50FirstTates

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

@50FirstTates

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

@50FirstTates

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

@50FirstTates

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

@50FirstTates

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

@50FirstTates

thank u scooby doo. u taught me that monsters aren’t real and that the thing hiding in my closet is actually an unhinged museum curator draped in a white bedsheet