@5hael

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

@5hael

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

@5hael

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

@5hael

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

@5hael

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

@5hael

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

@5hael

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

@5hael

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

@5hael

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

@5hael

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?