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@5hael : My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
@5hael: [David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
@5hael: Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
@5hael: NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
@5hael: *waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
@5hael: Thanks for saying 'on your mobile' in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
@5hael: *smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
@5hael: All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
@5hael: This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
@5hael: Do you think it's weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?