[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel