Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
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BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.