HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
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Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
crochet youtube is brutal
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.