Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
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marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.