[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
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Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Great game to play with friends
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
My first son he is wonderful
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*