The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.