@80sjams

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

@80sjams

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

@80sjams

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

@80sjams

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

@80sjams

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

@80sjams

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

@80sjams

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

@80sjams

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

@80sjams

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

@80sjams

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.