Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
very niche meme I made
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.