One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
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The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.