gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot