My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
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son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Wait a minute…
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.