*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
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Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Wikigenius
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.